26 October 2017

Grief: Nine Months Later

Here I am talking about grief again but this time nine months later. Nine months ago it felt like grief had taken over my life. Nine months later, I've had the chance to reflect on how grief effected my life back then compared to how it effects my life now, along with how I choose to deal with it. 

That immediate grief was a weird emotion for me to feel because not only had I never lost a loved one before, let alone losing two loved ones within less than a month, but also because I didn't know what to expect. I had no control over it and I was so use to actively choosing to be happy and choosing how I felt towards a variety of different situations in my life, I didn't really know what had hit me. I think with grief, you've got to allow yourself to feel it. Acknowledge it. Don't try and swept in under the rug. It's important to remember that we all react to grief in whatever way feels right to us. I had never experienced this level of grief before so I was unsure on how I would react. It was a big learning experience. I found it odd that while I would cry, I would also find moments to laugh. What brought a smile to my face through the moments of despair, were all our precious memories together. I say my reaction to grief was weird one because I'm not one to show a lot of emotion. I'm normally the one that's holds it together for everyone else, comforts others and then when I'm home or alone, that's when I'll  lose my shit. Grief brought out things in me that I never would've done otherwise. Talking in public, I avoid it at all costs and you'd be lucky to see my cry, ever. Well I spoke at both services, not alone but with cousins and you probably couldn't understand a word I was saying due to the tears. 

Nine months later, it still hurts. It hurts like it was yesterday. I can’t count on two hands the number of people that have told me it gets easier. Maybe they were  attempted words of comfort, I’m not sure but one thing I am sure of is that it doesn’t get easier. Grief becomes permanent part of your life and it never goes away, instead you learn to deal with it, you learn to cope. You become resilient to it. It becomes a part of your everyday life and along the way you find ways to cope. 

There is no right way to deal with grief, everybody is different but I think it’s important to stay true to who you are. It might take awhile but find ways that will help you cope and you'll find people who you feel comfortable talking to. I think it’s important when you lose someone special to never stop talking about them, never stop sharing photos and never sharing memories because they moment you stop doing that, is the moment they’re really gone. 

B x

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