1 February 2018

Grief: One Year Later

Three days ago marked one year since we lost one incredibly beautiful woman, my Nan and it still hurts like did one year ago. As the days have gone by I've learnt to live my life without my Nan and Pop by my side. I don't really know how I've managed to get through the last year but a big thank you goes out to my friends and family. I can't thank you enough, for listening, for supporting and for loving me when I didn't really know what to do with myself. Losing someone you love so dearly breaks you in ways you could never imagine. 
I'm always thinking about the events, lessons and experiences that came out of the 29 January 2017 and there are still times, one year later, that I don't know how to deal with the fact that I watched my Nan come off life support or that I watched my Pop take his very last breath and that I had to ring family to either say get your butt to Blenheim because she might not make the night or he passed away an hour ago I'm sorry you didn't get to say goodbye, just to name a few. I think about that shit so often to the point where I don't know what to do with myself. 
One year later, I still have the shitty days, angry days and days where I feel lost but through all that I've learnt how to have the good days too. I remind myself of the love they had for each other and those in their lives. 
There's not time limit on grief. It's one of those things that sticks with you forever. You'll have good days, you'll have bad days and you'll have days where you think it's a good day but next thing you know you're crying because who knows why. You've just got to ride the rollercoaster that grief throws you and take one day at a time. I'm not going to say 'it gets better' or 'it gets easier' because I'm not convinced it does but what I do know is that as the days go by you'll grow and you'll learn how to deal with the grief. You'll learn that it's okay to have bad days and not everyday is going to be easy. You'll learn to deal with it whatever way is right for you. Grief isn't the same for everyone. 
Nan, I love you so much and you were one special lady to so many people. I miss hearing you voice, your laugh but most of all I miss your hugs. I know the angels will be looking after you up there, you're probably doing their gardens or baking them some shortbread. I miss you everyday and I will for the rest of my life. 
Much love B x

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